


The Perforated Person in the Potato Patch

by needles



Series: Bokuaka Detective drabbles [18]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29186736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needles/pseuds/needles
Summary: Akaashi was always telling Bokuto he should eat more vegetables, that they were healthy. Right now he wasn't so sure Akaashi was right.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: Bokuaka Detective drabbles [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2116251
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	The Perforated Person in the Potato Patch

“Akaashi, come on we have a case.” Bokuto breezed into the lab brandishing a file in both hands like some kind of sports trophy. Or perhaps it was a shield to protect him from his irate partner. He had been annoyed at him all morning ever since they had argued over breakfast at the diner.

Keiji sat frowning, staring at his screen, ignoring his chirpy presence in his office.

“Akaashi are you still mad at me?” He pouted in finest puppy dog fashion.

Keiji flashed a glance at him his eyes like two steel daggers.

“Akaashi it was a compliment. I said you had a slender figure, what’s wrong with that?”

“Skinny, Bokuto san, you said I was skinny. To be exact you said, and I quote, ‘as skinny as a string bean’.”

Bokuto paused, biting back a snappy response, as he saw a gleam in Keiji’s eye that was not the product of anger or excitement. He tossed the file on his desk and crouched down beside his chair, “I’m sorry Akaashi, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Am I skinny Bokuto san; is that really why you always look out for me? Do I look so weak and feeble?” A tiny drop of water began to trickle down one cheek.

He brought a thumb up and caught it, wiping it away. “No Akaashi it isn’t, you’re just naturally lean unlike me. I know you’re stronger than you look, don’t ever doubt that.”

Keiji sniffed and reached for the file. “So what have you brought me?”

“Nothing yet Akaashi the body is still out there.”

“Out where?”

“The Agricultural College. You coming?”

“Of course.” Keiji closed his laptop and stood up pulling his jacket from the back of his chair and tugging it on. He picked up the file and headed from his office. “Come on Bokuto san there’s a body waiting,” he scolded as he marched towards the parking lot.

Bokuto grinned and hurried after him.

They pulled into the parking lot at the College. Bokuto parked the SUV in the shade of a row of trees. Spread out around were fields of crops but unlike normal fields these were all divided into sections, each with a label. The crops growing, whilst clearly the same species, had subtle differences in colour, height, and vigour from patch to patch.

“They look odd Akaashi?” he said, looking across the landscape at the patchwork of growth.

“I imagine they are experimental crops Bokuto san, the College tests out new crop varieties. For example, over there are some peas, probably all different new varieties. Judging from appearance I would say the variety third from left is far outperforming the others.”

“Yeah some of the others look sick and yellow.”

“Now Bokuto san where was the body found?”

“The potato patch. It’s round this way.” He led Keiji off around the College buildings to a smaller garden enclosed by a tall hedge. “This belongs to the caretaker; he grows his own vegetables here.”

He led him over to a taped off patch of half dug potatoes. ”Here you are Akaashi.”

Keiji crouched down brushing away earth from the remains,” Male, Caucasian, probably between sixteen and eighteen.”

“Any cause of death evident yet?” Bokuto asked, scribbling notes.

“You mean apart from the row of holes across his sternum?”

“Did that kill him?”

“Possibly, but I need to check back at the lab.”

Bokuto called to the forensic techs waiting over by the cabbages. “We’re done, you can ship all this back to the lab.”

He followed Keiji out of the vegetable patch. Suddenly he heard a scrunch beneath his foot and he looked down to see what he had trodden on.

“Phew Akaashi,” he said holding his nose.

Keiji turned back to look at him, “Bokuto san there’s no need to make such a fuss, it is perfectly normal to release gas at intervals. Especially after eating pulses and certain varieties of brassica such as Brussels sprouts and cauliflower.”

“I did not ‘release gas’ Akaashi.

“Well something smells?”

“I trod on an onion Akaashi!”

“Oh.”

“Now it’s going to stink the car out,” he frantically tried to wipe his shoe on a patch of grass. It didn’t seem to help a lot.

“Come on Bokuto san we can wash it off when we get back to the lab.”

Keiji was in his customary hunch over the lab table like a patient vulture when Bokuto clattered up the platform steps. 

“You know if you keep standing like that you’ll have as bad a back as I’ve got one day Akaashi.”

Keiji’s eyes never left the table on which the cleaned bones of their victim now lay.  
“I am perfectly capable of performing the necessary exercises on my spinal column to compensate for any temporary aches resulting from periods spent in an abnormal posture Bokuto san.”

Bokuto blinked, “Yeah, well on your own head be it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I hardly think the pain would manifest itself in the upper part of my cranium.”

He gave up, “Whatever you say Akaashi. So have you ID’d the victim?”

He nodded, “Kevin Thomas, a final year student at the College.”

“And have my genius squints identified what made the holes?”

Keiji nodded, “Yes it was undoubtedly the caretaker’s garden fork, the one he was digging his potatoes up with. Konoha matched particulates from the bones to the steel and paint from the fork.”

He smiled, “What are you waiting for then Akaashi? Let’s go bring him in.”

“The injuries were inflicted post-mortem.” Keiji said flatly.

“What, you mean he was already dead?”

“Dead and buried, Bokuto san. The fork just went through the body when the caretaker was digging the potatoes up. One of the plants was growing directly over the sternum.”

“He was buried before the veg were planted Akaashi?”

“Yes, just deep enough not to be found when the seed potatoes were sown.”

“Yuk, I don’t think I’ll be eating any of those then.”

“The vegetables would not be tainted by the presence of a decomposing body Bokuto san. In fact the organic remains will have provided an additional source of nutrients for the crop. I imagine it will yield excellent produce.”

“Woah there Akaashi,” he raised his hands in protest. “I am so not into using dead people as fertiliser for my cabbages.”

Keiji shook his head, “I presume you would like to know the cause of death?”

“Yes Akaashi I would, that is why I am still standing here waiting,” he rolled his eyes.

“He was killed by a single blow to the head.”

“With what?” 

“Konoha found green particulates embedded in the scalp tissue.”

“Good grief, Akaashi, please don’t tell me he was bashed to death with a marrow?”

“He was not ‘bashed to death with a marrow’ as you so charmingly put it.”

“Thank God.”

“It was a cucumber.”

Bokuto’s eyebrows shot up. “You have got to be kidding me Akaashi!”

Keiji grinned at him, “Follow me Bokuto san.” He led the incredulous detective to his office where he shed his lab coat and punched a few keys on his computer.

“That cucumber.”

Bokuto stared at the screen. It showed an award ceremony for the local Horticultural Society show. In the centre was a proud figure holding a trophy aloft. The trophy had a white marble base upon which was mounted a tall cucumber standing on end. The caption showed it was awarded to the ‘Supreme National Cucumber Champion 2019’.

“The cucumber is carved from green malachite Bokuto san. It was malachite that Konoha found in the wound.”

Bokuto looked at the winner’s name, ‘Robert J Leek III’. “Akaashi that’s the…”

“Director of the college. Yes Bokuto san.”

“Why on earth would he kill one of the students?”

“Now that Bokuto san is your department.”

“I’m glad something still is. I was beginning to feel like a spare part around here.”

Keiji looked him up and down with a smirk, “Bokuto san I can assure you that all of your parts are essential. They appear to be in perfect working order too.”

Bokuto grabbed his arm and hurried him out of his office, his face red as a beetroot. “Akaashi you know damn well that being ticked off like one of your dumb students turns me on; I just wish you wouldn’t do it in here.”

Keiji giggled as he shooed him to the car,” I’ll save it for tonight then.”

“Akaashi Keiji, under that ice cool exterior you are a shameless flirt.”

Yamiji stared Bokuto, then down to application on his desk, then back to Bokuto. “You want me to get you a warrant for a what?”

“A cucumber.”

“Detective if you have decided to start eating a healthy diet like that supposedly genius partner of yours then I recommend the greengrocers down the street.” 

“It’s a murder weapon Sir.”

“Must be some cucumber! If I was to hit you over the head with one, and believe me Bokuto right now I am sorely tempted, all that would be left is half made tzatziki.”

Bokuto pulled a print of the picture from his pocket. “This cucumber.”

“Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?” Yamiji sighed, picked up the phone and dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Get going I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

“Judge you are not going to believe what Bokuto and those crazy scientists of his need a warrant for this time….”

“All I’m saying Bokuto is that it wouldn’t hurt you to eat a few more healthy meals…”

The knock on the doorframe elicited an unexpected welcoming look from Bokuto as Konoha waved a file at them, “I found something interesting on the remains of the victim’s clothing.”

“What?”

“Cucumber cells?”

Bokuto sighed, “Konoha I really think you need to get out of this lab more if you’re getting this excited about a salad, the guy probably just dropped it from a sandwich.”

Konoha shook his head, “Not this cucumber, there was something special about this one.”

Bokuto glared at him. “Are you going to tell us or do I have to threaten you with this?” he tapped his gun.

“You take all the fun out of this man,” Konoha whined. “Ok then, the cucumber cells had been genetically modified.”

“And this matters why?”

“Man, you can’t just go sticking DNA from one plant into another willy-nilly, it’s illegal!”

“How was it modified Konoha?” Keiji asked.

“Someone had added DNA from a pumpkin, those cells were huge. If those modifications worked just imagine how big the cucumbers would grow!” He frowned, and added, “probably taste awful though.”

“Akaashi let me see that site again,” Bokuto and Konoha crowded round the screen as Keiji pulled up the picture of Leek with his trophy.

“See if you can find out how to win that thing?” 

Keiji searched a few more links and pulled up the show rules. “It’s awarded for the longest and heaviest cucumber. Leek’s winner was five inches and two pounds larger than the previous world record held by Matthew Thomas, the late father of our victim.”

Bokuto smiled grimly. “Looks to me Akaashi like someone got caught cheating and didn’t like it.”

At that moment Bokuto’s cell phone rang, “Thanks Yamiji san we’ll call round for it on our way there.” He closed his phone, “Warrant’s ready Akaashi, let’s go catch ourselves a killer.”

The SUV screeched to a halt in the parking lot of the College and Bokuto braced his hand on the dash as it jerked to a stop throwing him forward.

“Jeez Akaashi if you ever, EVER sneak into the driving seat again whilst I’m fetching stuff I swear I will throw you over my knee and smack you!”

“Is that a promise?” Keiji hopped out of the car and set off for the College.

Bokuto hurried after him, “Wait for me Akaashi.”

Keiji raised an eyebrow, “Don’t I always?”

“Keep your mind on the job Akaashi!”

“I was.”

They reached the reception desk and asked to see Leek.

“I’m afraid he’s out right now you’ll have to call back later.” The secretary said looking down her nose at Bokuto.

He pulled out the warrant and held it open, “I think we’ll go right on through and check out his office thanks.”

He turned on his heel and marched through the office door, an open mouthed receptionist staring at him.

The room gleamed, the walls were lined with cabinets each laden with silver trophies from horticultural shows the length and breadth of the country. Keiji studied them one by one.

“Bokuto san this guy won the supreme trophy for everything.” He pointed, “Heaviest onion, longest parsnip, sweetest tomato, most peas in a pod….”

“He’s the best,” the secretary’s proud voice said from the doorway. “The cucumber trophy was his life’s ambition; it was the last one left to win. He had a special cabinet made….” Her voice trailed off and they followed her eyes to an open glass case on the wall.

“It’s gone!” she gasped.

“Miss Perkins! Miss Perkins! A loud shout came from the main college doors and the secretary turned to see a young lad leaning on her desk and gasping for breath.

“What is it Ryan?”

His chest heaved and he took a deep breath before he pointed back outside, “It’s the Principal, he’s in the greenhouse.”

Bokuto and Keiji followed her as she ran outside and along a path at the back of the building to a large commercial sized glasshouse.

She opened the door and they all took a step back, the heat was stifling. Bokuto took a deep breath and entered. Keiji followed. They headed towards an object at the far end of the path. On either side were cucumber plants trained on wires up to the ceiling. Hanging from them were the largest cucumbers Keiji had ever seen. But now they were shrivelled and dying, their leaves yellowed and crisp. The ferocious heat had literally cooked them to death.

Bokuto wondered if it had done the same to the body on the path as it lay there clutching the trophy in its arms.

Bokuto looked at Keiji and his eyes asked the question.

“I don’t know Bokuto san, we’ll need to get him back to the lab.”

He leaned on the doorframe and smiled, “So what did Washio decide was cause of death?”

“He had taken a high dose of barbiturates but that would have just sent him to sleep. It was the heat that killed him. We only found his prints on the thermostat too, so it appears it was suicide. All because of this.”

He watched as Keiji ran his hand up and down the cucumber trophy.

“Akaashi stop that please.”

“You have to admit it is beautifully formed and very impressively sized.”

“Please Akaashi.”

“What’s wrong Bokuto san?” he asked in innocent tones.

“I have to walk across that lab Akaashi, and you’re doing it again.”

“You should try yoga Bokuto san, it’s very good for self-control.”

Bokuto stepped through the doorway and closed the door, the lock clicked. He dropped the blinds and threw his jacket on the couch. 

“What are you doing Bokuto san?”

“I know another way to cure my problem.”

“We’re at work Bokuto san.”

He ripped off his tie, “It’s after five Keiji; you’re not my partner anymore. Now you’re my husband.”


End file.
